Katie Hitchcock-Smith ’17 & Jenna Pepe ’19
The Sophian can now reveal the truth behind the painfully obvious political agenda and clandestine ancestry of Katie Hitchcock-Smith, tyrant of the Smith College Bipartisan Coalition. Hitchcock- Smith, whose mission is to “elevate political discourse on our campus,” has now been outed as a tool of the Republican machine, using her club to relentlessly push conservative speakers and to assert her conservative agenda.
The Sophian has recently uncovered her irrefutable ties to the Grand Old Party, confirming that hard-cold conservatism runs in her veins: Hitchcock-Smith’s father is none other than the past presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.
Evidence for such a claim comes directly from Hitchcock-Smith herself, who confessed that the sperm donation used by her lesbian parents for her conception was from a Mormon-identified man who attended law school. A facial analysis has concluded that Romney and Hitchcock-Smith have nearly a nearly identical nose and jaw line, serving as undeniable proof that Romney is actually her father.
This news is perhaps most shocking to her parents, both of whom are gay, liberal Democrats living in Massachusetts and unknowingly brought the conservative politician’s DNA home from the sperm bank. In 2012, when both women voted against the candidate who had “binders full of women,” they had no idea that his own biological offspring was sitting in their living room, waiting to wreak havoc on the innocent students of Smith College. They are exceptionally disappointed in their daughter’s newly discovered Republican roots, as their only wish was that she grow up to be successful, happy and anything but a conservative vulture ready to prey on the weak.
The Bipartisan Coalition dictator herself cannot even refute this evidence. In an exclusive interview with The Sophian, we complimented her cute button nose and confronted her on how similar it is to that of Mitt Romney. She looked rather confused and quickly changed the subject, as if to say, “How do you know he’s my dad?”
Still identifying as a liberal, she prattles on about her work with Attorney General Maura Healey. Hitchcock-Smith also had the audacity to brag about her upcoming internship with liberal messiah Elizabeth Warren. Although you may find it funny that a Republican could work for two of the most powerful Democratic women in Massachusetts, The Sophian has confirmed that Hitchcock-Smith is probably a Republican-placed sleeper cell planted by the Romney team.
“I’m extremely proud to be working for Elizabeth Warren,” Hitchcock-Smith said as she crudely cut out photos of her idols – father Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz – to be added to the collage in her closet. “I truly look up to her as a progressive leader who is pushing our party in the right direction.”
Hitchcock-Smith will try to solidify the fact that she is a Democrat in the public eye by obnoxiously posting on Facebook about how she is voting for Hillary though she will vote for Ted Cruz or whoever it is her DILF of a father ultimately decides to support in the general election.